Thursday, 13 August 2009

When the World Turned its Back

I hate you world. Your summer sun turned to ice in the vast bleak sky, its rays jagged icicles impaling and lacerating the essence of my being through my every shivering pore, bleeding me cold. Then turning on your stifling oppressive heat you sucked away my air before reaching out to strangle me. You sliced off the pit of my stomach, crushed my pressured head then pounded at what remained of my heart, blow after blow after blow. My ears can hear but have stopped listening, my ruptured eyes are open but no longer see. Why is it that I can still feel anguish with what little remains? A quivering voice among many, I pleaded with you to let the sun return to the East just this once, to let the rivers trickle upstream just this once, to bring back spring just this once, to allow painful words to be unheard just this once, to undo the suffering just this once. But you laughed in our faces, tormenting us as we watched the rest of the world enjoy the warm summer sunshine denied to us. I am damaged beyond repair, a wilted flower neither living nor dead but just existing in that lost space, perpetually reliving the despair, trapped between desperately trying to claw back the dawn and waiting an eternity for a never-approaching tomorrow. You cruelly give and take life as if playing a light-hearted game. I hate you for the pain you inflicted and for forcing us apart. We weren't ready to say goodbye. World, you are dead to me.


  1. I'm really sorry.

    When I lost my Father I started writing poetry to reconnect back to myself and make some sense of my pain.

    When I lost my closest Brother I cried by his grave and tried to make a deal with God that we could go back in time and I would take my Brother's place - after all I was the older Sister and it should have been me first. Days later I stood on a hill looking up at the blue sky and cursed out God because of his cruelty. As a Mother myself I would never do that to MY children.

    And when I lost my Mother I cried alone that there were things that only she could understand and that she was the only one in her imperfect way that would always listen and believe in me.

    A Dream Within a Dream
    by Edgar Allan Poe

    Take this kiss upon the brow!
    And, in parting from you now,
    Thus much let me avow-
    You are not wrong, who deem
    That my days have been a dream;
    Yet if hope has flown away
    In a night, or in a day,
    In a vision, or in none,
    Is it therefore the less gone?
    All that we see or seem
    Is but a dream within a dream.
    I stand amid the roar
    Of a surf-tormented shore,
    And I hold within my hand
    Grains of the golden sand-
    How few! yet how they creep
    Through my fingers to the deep,
    While I weep–while I weep!
    O God! can I not grasp
    Them with a tighter clasp?
    O God! can I not save
    One from the pitiless wave?
    Is all that we see or seem
    But a dream within a dream?


  2. I am so sorry. Losing a parent, particularly one you've been caretaker for, is burningly hard. I lost my mom to Alzheimers and lung cancer several years ago, and I still mourn her every day. My most sincere sympathies.

  3. I am sorry.
    Do hate the world, but not yourself.

  4. p.s.
    The pain is the pain, it could never be wiped.
    Some how, some part of you is gone, and you know you would never be the same again.

    However, the world, to us may be huge, but to the universe, it is not.
    As the world is cruel to you right now, I do hope the universe will be nice to you once this pain is slightly subside.


  5. I'm sorry for your are a very powerful writer!!! We look forward to hearing from you very soon. Take care

  6. Grief can be expressed in as many different ways as there are people in the universe. You are an incredible writer. The emotional response to your loss has impacted my spirit. Some literary geniuses can not compare to your articulation. Bless you and your family during this difficult time. We miss your Blog.

  7. I am sorry for your great loss. Bless you and and your family.

  8. I am so very sorry for your loss...may you find some comfort, peace and healing in the many warm, loving thoughts that are sent to you in your time of need. Love and light to you.

  9. omg sweetie I just popped into your blog and saw your latest entry. I don't know what happened but I feel your pain and your grief. My deepest sympathies. I am thinking of you from far away.

    Your pal from youtube.

  10. I reread your entry, and I, too, am sorry for your loss.

  11. I'm so sorry your dad died. It hurts so bad to lose a parent, you feel so lonely! Time will make you feel better, just not quickly enough.

    Don't hate the world. Your world is so much wider now than it was before you began this paean to Adam. All of us who come here to read your very erudite reporting have become your friends and wish you peace.

    Over the weekend I thought of you several times and sent little prayers up that your peace would come sooner, although to you it won't be soon enough.

    Your generosity the last year has been amazing. You gave up your life to come home and be with your dad while you could. What a gift to him that was! But it was a gift to yourself also, because really, in the end, all we have is memories. You created memories for him as comfort while he faced his most difficult times, for yourself as you go through some of your most difficult times, and you were willing to share your considerable talents with all of us as you added to our store of memories of Adam's amazing performances. A very unselfish act!

    I thank you very much and will continue to send little prayers winging upward.

  12. So sorry for your loss. I lost my mother 9 years ago I miss her terribly but trust me the pain gets easier, the first year is hard. The pain will ease but you will always feel the void. May g-d give you the strength to overcome your loss and put you on the path to healing.


  13. I'm so sorry. Although words can't really express the magnitude of such a loss, you come really close in your eloquence, even in the midst of such pain. Thank you for giving all of us who have come to your blog time and again such joy. And take care. Loving thoughts and prayers are coming your way.

  14. Just checking back in to see if you are okay. I know it is a sad and busy time, but just post a note soon to let us know you're getting through this. We're worried.

  15. Yes, a little bit worry and checking here back and forth. Miss ur blog. Do take care. ~k6 ooo

  16. I've been checking back every day. So sad & wondering how you are coping with your loss. Hope someone is with you, sharing the burden. Take care !

  17. Same here... hope you are doing okay...

  18. Yep, me too. Checking in every now and then to see how you are doing.....It's a universal experience - losing a parent but it doesn't make it easier, does it? Somehow, one expects one's parent to live forever. But sounds like your father's suffering has come to an end - hope you can take comfort in that and that you did the right thing - caring for him till he passed away. And he lives on in you - your talent, your passion which you have so kindly shared with us....

  19. Thinking of you. you are not alone. no words can lessen your grief I know but I hope you take comfort in your memories and wrap yourself in the love you shared. be strong. time will do the rest when you're ready. bless+

  20. Thank you so much for sticking by me with all your messages of support, which have been helping to pull me through this.

    My wounds are still raw and I'm veering between numbness and despair as I keep replaying and reliving those unbearable last few days in my mind. I'm plagued with guilt and have come to despise this obsession and the misdirected time and effort spent on it because my mother could have been saved if I had managed to get my priorities right, torn myself away and acted immediately. It all seems so pointless now.

    I'm in the home in which I grew up and surrounded by memories that evoke pain. Objects once discarded have taken on the utmost importance and I'm trying to find a balance between the pain of preserving the past, and the pain of letting go. My struggle now is dealing with and accepting the concept of never. Things that my mother will never get to experience, questions that will never be answered, knowledge that will never be passed on, things I'll never get to share with her, never being able to see, touch or talk to her again. There's nothing in life that can compare to this finality and it's devastating.

    At the moment I don't feel as if I'm living but just subsisting as all joy has abandoned my life. My mother was the pillar of strength who kept us together, who we all looked to for guidance. We're faced with difficult decisions and without her, we're lost in an abyss.

    I know from assurances that things get better over time, so perhaps if I can get over my revulsion, I'll be back here seeking solace in escapism once again.

  21. It is so good to hear from you. I know first hand the pain you must be feeling. My mother passed ten years ago and I still have a void within myself. I was part of her and she of me. There is no right or wrong in the grieving process. But don't pick up the bag of bricks called "guilt". We all do the best we can in the moment. Many loving thoughts to you.

  22. Adam Bombed, it is good to hear from you. We are a bit worry.

    I am sorry for your lost. I know there is nothing I can say that can ease your pain so I sigh.

    Thanks for everything you did on the blog and on the vid. I believe everything happen for a reason. For what eve reason, I am very pleased to be able to read your blog and share your passion over Adam Lambert.
    Imagine, what is the chances that I will be bumping to a person from UK, enjoying her/his blog and insight?
    Adam Bombed, nice to meet you here. Take care. ~k6 xxxooo

  23. Adam Bombed, I 've re-read your reply. I'm sorry.
    Adam Bombed, there is no right and wrong priority. And to be honest, our decisions are often drawn by our subconcious. And often, the aim is simply ,"just to get through this".
    Please do not let this guilt drain your strength or faith. Love is still around. Your mother will always be with you in your heart and soul. If you look hard enough, you will see the strength and the guidance from your mother within you.
    I wish you well. Take care.
    ~A human being from the other side of the world, k6

  24. I've been checking back every day.... Couple of
    times every day....
    Thank you so much for letting us know that you are still there. I do feel so much better now, for myself, hearing from you.
    I can only hope that time will help lessen your sorrow.
    Please do know that you are not alone !
    I will still be checking back every day....

  25. We miss you and your postings!!! Come back soon....

  26. No, you are not alone. We will still pop in and check. Hope to see you soon. Take care in the meantime.

  27. Regards and a big virtual hug sweetie. Relieved you left a note for us but am sad that you are going through this. I know how easy it is to dwell on the what ifs, could haves and guilt but please try Not to? I know it may sound trite now but please don't beat yourself up over your Adamtime.It brought so much joy to so many of us. You know we can't thank you enough. It always feels like there wasn't enough time spent with those you love when they are gone but I am sure you were the best daughter to her when she needed you. take your time now to grief as its only natural but also cherish the relationships you have with the rest of your family and I hope you guys can find comfort in each other and your memories of your mom together. May you still hear her voice when you close your eyes and listen with your heart. If you remember her well she will always be with you in spirit. Take care x

  28. Thinking Of You!
    I miss you and pray you are well. Here is the latest news to cheer you up.
    Much love to you.