Friday, 4 September 2009

Moderate Fandom

Everything has changed; I feel old with a large part of me having died and with it much of the passion and enthusiasm that went into this obsession. Getting up each day is a struggle and I'm fragile like a bubble. Every time someone reaches out to me, they burst it so I can no longer keep it together and the tears pour out. My mind seems to be my worst enemy, constantly taunting me and my heart is betraying me with nothing but anguish. The violent jolt has forced me to put things into stark perspective and I've come to look at this silly obsession with coldness as I think of all the different and better ways my efforts could have been expended. Instead of being glued to this computer I could have expressed more appreciation, offered words of comfort or spent more precious time at my mother's side. But I also know that even if I'd done those things, there's always more that could have been done that I'd now be wishing for instead.

I've always been a believer that if there's nothing to enjoy, there's little point in living but this was one of those pleasures that developed into a distraction that was all-consuming, blinkering me from the important things. In times of difficulty, we return to the familiar, and despite my revulsion and wanting to walk away from it once and for all, I find myself back here. Instead of escapism towards fun and excitement though, I come here to be anaesthetised. Maybe that's what this was about all along; I'd already started grieving long before I began this blog.

I feel like I'm over this obsession but have decided to finish covering the tour, probably in a reduced and mechanical capacity as I'm so far behind and feel little inspiration or desire to write. Expect a video collection for each stop and a finished video edit that I was in the middle of doing. Perhaps there'll be a few more tour videos if I get back into the flow of things and find my feet again, so let's see how things go.

Thank you all for reaching out to me with your kind support and patience through this most painful time. You have given me strength for which I am grateful.


  1. I certainly understand your loss; I have recently found out that my mother is very ill as well. Life can be hard and deals us many blows....but you had an Adam obsession for a reason!! If an Adam obsession can lead you out of a second's worth of depression, then all your passion exists for a reason. We need you in the Adam obsession community!! You have a fabulous writing talent that should be explored - not only about Adam, but other obsessions as well.

    I am not a believer that time heals everything...but if Adam's slinky moves and powerful voice can lead you to a happier place momentarily, then all is rewarding. Stay with us - and let us know how you are.

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  3. I'm very sorry for your loss. I've been a faithful follower of your blog, although I've never posted any comments. I've always admired your writing skills and your amazing videos, which I have often featured on my own site (The Adam Lambert Reference Centre). I hope that your online friends can somehow help you get through the grief and give you strength to move forward.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. Glad to see you have been able to venture back here a little bit. I lost my mother, father & brother all to heart disease. And most recently (within the last year) i lost my husband. Don't feel guilty about your blogging or your Adam obesssion. Sometimes you need that bit of distraction to get through these rough times. You will never stop missing your mother, but with time the hurt will begin to subside. My heart goes out to you and your family during this difficult time. Julie

  5. I'm so grateful to see the word "September" under "2009" on the blog archive, today, when I came back here for my daily visit. The sadness was a little more difficult to bear, for the past few days, when the month of September is here, but was still no where to be found in this little world that I have been so fond of for some times.
    I'm so greatful to hear from you again. Knowing that you are still here make me feel like crying with joy !
    Thank you for coming back !

  6. I am sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can tell you right now that will take away the pain, it's true time dulls the pain and makes it bearable.

    I am sad that you're sad. You are such a talented writer and I missed you, and I was worried. I'm sending you prayers and light. Please take care of yourself and thank you for taking a moment to come back to us.

  7. For me, being by the water is healing and very spiritual. It helps me face my aloneness and lets my tears flow easily. Whether it's the ocean waves that roll in or the geese flying over the pond - I become one with nature and reconnect with myself, leave a little more peaceful. And writing, writing, writing - IN the FEELING - deep inside the feeling where words flow out of their own desire.

    You learned alot. How all of us as humans reach out for something or someone when we are in pain. And so we have to step back and look at what choices there are in our lives. Many of us have projected our wishes and desires onto Adam and made him a real person in our lives. You can now see the difference between the real and the fantasy.

    I wish you peace. I wish you love. I hope you find a way to move forward. Be brave my friend. Your words should be poetry, lyrics and novels for all to read.

  8. Welcome back dear.*hugs* When you face harsh reality like this all your obsessions with fandom and such will seem trivial no doubt. Heartbreak always leaves a profound and deep impact on us. More so than joy. The loss of a loved one is something all of us have to endure in our lives. Painful as it is life will then go on. Everything will feel mechanical right now. It's only natural. Numbness is your friend and your cushion to help you deal with the grief. When you need to rage or let it all it. Only then will you be able to move on. And when you're can honour your mum by living your life WELL. Do her proud. Take your time. Baby steps. Don't dwell on regrets. One day soon you will smile again and you will do it without guilt. Until brave and strong...I find music a great comfort and if writing is your outlet please keep at it. Sending you much love and regards. Take care.

  9. Good to see you again. HUGS.
    Bless you and take care.

  10. Lynn, I'm so sad to read about your mother. I hope she gets well soon - sending strength to you both.

    The Librarian, thanks for your words of comfort. You've done a great job on your site (now placed in the links) - it must have taken a mammoth effort.

    Julie, it's heartbreaking to read about how difficult things have been for you. I hope you're hurting a little less with each day - sending you support.

    Anonymous(es), your post brought a smile to my face, being a great reminder that enjoyment can be found in the most mundane. Until recently, being by water had a similar effect on me too because of the perspective and inner calm it lent. But now I see the oceans are made of our collective tears. Whenever I ached from missing someone I used to look up and find comfort in the knowledge that we were under the same sky, could see the same man in the moon and trace the same stars, but that comfort evades me now.

    Ann, thanks for your concern, your light and your prayers. I plan to be posting again very soon.

    ean, thanks for your encouraging words. I've started taking baby steps by allowing myself enough anaesthetic to regularly flip the auto-pilot switch.

    k65535, I needed that hug, thanks.

    I'll be posting the catch-up from the tour soon with videos and some notes rather than reviews. Not sure about the future of this blog after the tour ends as I don't know if I'll want to write. I have to rebuild my life, find myself a job and make some tough decisions but let's see how things go.

    To thank you all for the support you've given me, I have a few videos coming up which I hope you'll enjoy.

  11. I hope you continue to blog in some form or fashion...even if its not about Adam...although you will be missed so very much by those who know what an overall amazing talent he is and appreciate what you contributed provided so much insight into his performances with your analysis that I have never seen anywhere when you make the tough decisions in the road ahead...know that you have an amazing talent for words...with incredible insight into here's hoping that you stay on that road and that many more can be blessed by your way with the written word...and know that you are in my prayers...Belle

  12. Adam Bombed. I guessed Adam is like a trigger in our lives. The journey began when I started watching him perform, seeing his perspective and attitude towards lives. From that I see hope, couragous and possibilities. Things around me haven't changed but the way I see them do.

    Will this heat or obsession fade away through time? To me, it already does. But somehow, listening to his music can still put a smile on my face, especially over a very long day.
    A smile is a smile. To me, that is a gain. I don't watch every single concert of his now. But I'm very excited for his "Time for Miracle" from 2012 and his album.

    To me, Adam Lambert is only a start or a trigger. The importance is what follows after that. That goes the same to your blog. It might be started by an obsession but it can be whatever you want it to be. After all, what make your blog stand out from many other Adam's related blog, is the power of the author, you.
    That is, when you are ready, just give us a yell. we will sure want to read another chapter of yours, Adam related or non related.

    Take care.
    ooo ooo ooo o

  13. My condolences on your mother. She must have been a special person, and you are a special person to keep this website. I think your obsession was a solace in difficult times, and I hope it provides a solace once again. Though you selflessly keep the website for Adam's fans, you should think of yourself and do whatever you need to do.

    Best wishes to you and your family, who are in my prayers.